A Not So Average Twilight Parody
by spiralookami
Summary: A random and eventful parody on the popular Twilight series. Has everything from vampire hunters to Mary Sues, and guest appearances of Whoopi Goldberg, Dr. Phil, and Jerry Springer! Don't expect this story to make any sense, cause it doesn't! R


Wazzup? I never post anything here(probably because I'm too busy with school), but here's something anyway!

This was a random story that I had to do for English class. It was supposed to be only three paragraphs long, but that turned into three pages. *sweat*

As many of you know, Twilight is a very popular series among girls everywhere, and now there's even a movie. This is a short story that pokes fun at Twilight, and is full of random crap that no one really cares about. It's not meant to be serious, so please don't take it that way.

All characters are copyright to their respective owners, and all people belong to themselves.

READ ON!

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**A Not So Average Twilight Parody (Among Other Things....)**

Bella sat gazing at his godlike appearance, dazzled by the image of his marble skin sparkling in the afternoon sun. They had spent most of the day in the meadow. The dozens of rainbow colored flowers were beautiful, but they paled next to Edward. He was perfect in every way, unlike her. It sometimes made her wonder why he had even chosen an ordinary girl over someone more beautiful.

She flopped down on her back and sighed. "It's such a beautiful day," she said, "it would be nice to take a nap under the sun for once, instead of gloomy looking clouds."

Edward came and sat next to her and smiled.

"Today's not half as beautiful as you are." Bella felt her heart skip a beat.

Suddenly, Edward tensed and quickly stood up. There was a low rumbling sound off in the distance. It began to grow louder, and louder, and finally a bright red motorcycle carrying two people clad in black appeared out of the trees. The pair jumped off, causing their vehicle to lose control and crash into a sturdy tree as they confronted the two young lovers.

"We've found them," one said, whose voice was that of a man. "Permission to beam aboard, Captain?"

"Permission granted." The second, a woman, replied.

The man raised his arm and pointed up to the sky. A large, circular, silver body moved past the tree tops till it was directly above them. It blocked the sun, causing the area to darken significantly. A bright light suddenly erupted from the ship and engulfed the four. The light started to make Bella lightheaded, and soon the light was replaced with a blanket of darkness.

A young girl of about 16, with long flowing golden hair and beautiful, crystal blue eyes daintily walked to her seat in the first row of the studio. She was Mary Susan Antoinette Isabella Maria Debora Cullen III, daughter to some rich magistrate and heir to a family fortune that no one's ever heard of. And though she has the last name of Cullen, she is not a member of that family, nor has she ever met any of them at any point in time. She like many of the other girls in that audience, were there for the festivities, and maybe at a chance of actually meeting and/or marrying Edward, or any of the other male Cullens. In fact, Mary Susan Antoinette Isabella Maria Debora Cullen III wasn't even this girl's real name. Instead it was just Mary Susan Smith, but no one cares about her because she's not the main character and instead will play a minor role later on.

The real main character was a rather thin, brown haired young man simply named Walter who was sitting right behind the young Mary Sue. Walter had gotten his ticket into the show from one of his friends, who had gotten the ticket from their mother's father's great aunt's best friend's nieces' step-sister's daughter's 5th wedding. Seeing how Walter never did anything on the weekend, Walter's friend game him the ticket as a chance to get out of the house. Walter took it, and wound up here, waiting for some guy named Edward Cullen to be auctioned off to the 2,000 screaming girls around him.

As the lights dimmed, the room fell silent. The sound of girls screaming was replaced by the sound of heavy, anxious breathing. A single spotlight shone on an individual in the center of the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," the announcer spoke, "I welcome you all….to the new and improved Jerry Springer Show!!!"

The once silent crowd suddenly roared back to life as Jebry walked on stage. It took only moments for Jerry to calm the crowd back down.

"I'm so glad to see you all today. In this episode, we have some very special guests. May I introduce you to Bella Swan and Edward Cullen!"

At the sound of Edward's name all of the girls in the crowd went nuts. Walter had trouble trying not to go deaf when several of the girls around him all shouted, "Edward! We love you!" right in his ear. It took longer for Jerry to quiet them down unlike last time, especially when the actual Edward appeared on stage, escorted by the two figures in black. He was shortly followed in by Bella who received a more negative response than her male companion.

Jerry Springer walked up to the two. "Welcome Edward, Bella. I see you've met my two vampire hunting assistants."

"Vampire _what_-?!"

"Oh, so you haven't met them then? Well come over here and introduce yourselves!"

He motions at the two figures. The take a few steps closer and lower their hoods.

Walter watched as Bella stood in shock.

"W-what? Dr. Phil? Whoopi Goldberg? You…you two are…_vampire hunters_? But I never knew-"

"That's right dear," Whoopi said, "that's how we were able to find you two. But Bella, there's something else you didn't know…"

Jerry Springer stepped forward.

"Bella," he said, "I am…._I am_…."

Jerry Springer's body then began to shake violently. He convulsed, causing his arms and legs to flail in every direction. His body quickly began to inflate, as if he were a balloon that some twisted circus clown was preparing to give to a child. Jerry's body doubled, no, tripled in size! Bella, Edward, and the audience gazed at him in both horror and awe. Then without warning, there was a loud "POP", and Jerry's body exploded, sending neon green slime throughout the room.

Walter made a face and spat some of the strange green goop out of his mouth.

'This stuff tastes funny,' he thought, 'kinda like green jello…' He sniffed some of the stuff that was on his arm. After a moment, he raised his arm up and took a bite off of his arm. Walter sat there for a few seconds eating the green goo, and then his eyes widened in surprise.

'_It is green jello_….!!'

"Abraham Lincoln?" Bella shouted bewildered, "You're alive?!"

The man took a moment to straighten himself by removing some of the lime jello that clung to his clothes before turning around to face the girl.

"No Bella, I'm still dead." She stared at him confused. "I have come here in the form of Jerry Springer, with help of my vampire hunting assistants Whoopi Goldberg and Dr. Phil in order to teach you a lesson."

Bella still looked confused, Walter scoot to the edge of his seat, and Edward was no where to be found because had left some time before the jello explosion with Whoopi and Dr. Phil in order to get tacos.

"There are times in the night when people get hungry and they go to the refrigerator for a midnight snack," he stated, "some of the foods they choose for their snack are good, and some are bad. The choice you made last night…..well, it was bad…"

"But…I don't rememb-"

"_Think hard Bella_!"

Bella closed her eyes. The tried to think back to the night before…. What was it that she had done? Slowly, but surely it began to come to her. It was an image, and image of….

"A double sardine sandwich topped with pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, and oregano."

"Yes!" Lincoln shouted. "The lesson I have to teach you is…!"

"Don't eat weird foods before going to bed."

Bella turned around to see Edward munching on a taco, with a bag from Taco Bell in his hand.

"Edward?"

"I think it's time to wake up Bella…"

"What are you talking about Edward? I'm not asleep-" Bella suddenly doubled over in pain. Her insides felt like they were churning apart. Slowly her world began to fade, and then…

Bella's eyes snapped open with a start and she rolled over clutching her aching stomach.

"That's the last time I'll ever eat a sardine sandwich at 2:30 AM again….."


End file.
